I had a spiritual awakening right before my birthday.
I couldn’t describe it to you because I didn’t know what was going on. But I did try to explain it in just that way, “something’s going on and I can’t describe it.”
This separation is my journey back to God
I want you to know I love you so fucking much
But God is calling me
I know you think your dad is crazy for talking to Jesus, and I did, too. But he is very real and he has called me onto the path of true divine love: self love.
He showed me the reflection of myself. Me in another person’s body. That is why I understand what’s going on with you and Elise and I am not as resentful as some could be. It happened to me first. But I don’t know if you saw yourself in her or not. Did you?
Meeting him ignited a flame inside me. It also showed me the reflections of myself that I choose to ignore or not own. Because I ignore them, I am not accepting my full self and loving it-which is why you cannot either. And ignoring it did not make me a better person. I wanted to “believe” I was not those traits that I so despise. What are those traits? Jealousy-envy-controlling-hateful-mean. What happened is they would peek their heads from time to time and I would act shocked. Because “that is not me”. Well come to find out, it really is, and it needs to be addressed. This is what is calling me now.
You were an enabler, though. Please understand your role even though it was passive. You did not mean to; I know. That is how the hard lessons of life go. You made it easy for me to fall back on old habits. But you also inspired me to be the best version possible. So it’s weird and complicated. Hell, I still wasn’t really down for drinking when we started hanging out. I thought a glass of wine at 1oclock in the afternoon was way too early. Yeah! Do you remember that? We were in your home and I think we just got back from riding bud and johnny at the farm. You asked what I wanted to do and you brought out some wine. And I went with it because I thought I had control over that part of my life. And I still do, but I learned just how much booze cannot be a part of my life any more.
We also made beautiful love. Do you remember the first few times you touched me.. It was magical. It felt more than an ordinary relationship-we knew this. We asked friends “when did you know?” I created a project-you asked me to marry you. That’s how powerful that feeling was. But it cannot sustain in the condition that I am in. I must do the hard work now. I am putting my faith in God. Let his work be done.
I love you… so. much..